Posts Tagged ‘Mr. Right’

Self Esteem; How to change

Wednesday, March 30th, 2011

Most of the time when I write, I write from my personal experiences with the faith that what I share will be informational, encouraging or inspiring. Up until now, I have generally kept my most intimate relationship, my marriage, completely private and I will continue to do so, but today, I am allowing everyone a small peak inside. Yesterday, I had an intimate conversation with my husband and one simple thing he said, reduced me to tears.

“You’re a good person, Noma.”

That was all it took to reduce me to tears. One of the reasons why this one simple truth reduced me to tears is that it had three levels.
1. It is true
2. He genuinely believes it to be true
And the most profound one is
3. I genuinely believe it to be true.

To some, it may seem like such a simple and maybe even uninteresting, random piece of information. Those of us, however, who have been challenged with living with a low self esteem, learning to raise it and finally overcoming it, through change, to emerge as solid, confident and authentic women (or men), will understand the victory in hearing those words and recognizing their three levels; most importantly, the third level.

It is my firm belief that everyone, yes, EVERYONE, is good; or more accurately put, has the seed of goodness within them. What is sad is that sometimes, we don’t know that to be true. We start to believe the lie that we are evil, bad, undeserving etc. Sometimes, it is other people who don’t see the good in us and unfortunately, we buy into the lies that they have bought into.

Here is a small challenge: Think about what you say to yourself about yourself. (Inner dialogue) This usually translates to what you say, out loud, about yourself and how you conduct yourself. Every day, I hear people say things like “I’m such a loser”, “I’m so clumsy”, “ I’m so fat” and on and on and on! None of these statements are “good” but these people are thinking them, speaking them and displaying the behaviors that correlate with the thoughts and statements and that is ultimately the state of their lives.

One of the reasons why I was reduced to tears when I heard the words “You’re a good person, Noma.” was that in that moment, I realized that I had heard those words spoken to me before and had intellectually thought it to be true but there was always some background whisper (in my mind) that always said “That is not true…” and sadly, the whisper would continue with a laundry list of items to back up the lie. Tears streamed down my face as I realized that, in that moment, the whisper was not there. I realize that it may come back, but I now know that my voice, my husband’s voice and the truth are so much more powerful.

The knowledge of my “goodness” translates into my thoughts, speech and conduct. I’m not saying that I am without flaws or that I don’t sometimes make mistakes and even, at times, run into my own ego. What I am saying is that I have raised my level of thought, speech and conduct. In so doing, I have watched as my life has slowly unraveled to conform to this one thought. I now enjoy a healthy relationship with myself. I love myself and respect myself. I treat my husband with love and respect and he mirrors that back to me. It does not stop with just me and my husband; I approach every person I meet with love and respect and more often than not, I get the same love and respect. I meet every day with an expectation that it will be fantastic and it usually is.

All in all, I have a wonderful life!

My final thought is this: If you’re not satisfied with your life or life circumstances, then your starting point is your thoughts. What are you thinking? Whatever you’re thinking is what is ultimately creating what you perceive as an unhappy life. If you can change your thoughts, you can change your life. I did it and so can you!


Find A Man

Friday, February 25th, 2011

Young ladies the world is your oyster… can pick who you want‏! By Ngoza Phiri-Mazarura (guest blogger)

A [couple of weeks] ago I posted my concern about the kind of man that is being raised in our time. With what we see on television and in our own circles one has to wonder. It’s important to note that this post was written by an African woman [Zimbabwean] in her 30s who lives in [South] Africa. I wanted to get people talking and thinking about what makes a man in our environment. We have many absent fathers and fathers who have been taken by AIDS and women are forced to raise men that are functional in our society. The various comments that were posted on my [Facebook] page got me thinking. I realized just how differently we have all been raised and what we have been taught to expect from a man.
I was unfortunate to lose my father very early in life and so my belief systems and values as well as conclusions were shaped by the various interactions I have had with family, friends, peers and the church. My mother was and still [is] a hard working, “no nonsense” woman with an A-type personality, which she passed on to me.
I will share with you what I have been taught and welcome your comments. I learnt early on that in life you must have standards. If you don’t, you will let everything and anything come into your life. Some of those ‘nastys’ are very hard to get rid off and will leave you scarred for life. An example is dating a guy who chooses not to [love and respect] his parents even though they are alive. If he can’t look after his folks he can’t look after you- it is that simple. If he is also unable to forgive, he will tell you all the stories that will make you want o be his new “mommy” but once you subject yourself to that kind of mental torture you will lose yourself in his battles. I always say to ladies who tell me about a guy and his awful past that the question they should ask is ‘ How long are you going to be holding on to this pain and negative energy?’. Should he not be willing to explore forgiveness and move on? I say run for the hills! This is not for you. It is for the professionals and those professionals are called therapists. You are not qualified to help him through those kinds of problems and issue; neither can you love him enough to fix him.
A man must want to provide for his family and if you are dating he must at least offer to pay the cheque. If he doesn’t have a car he must be interested in your safety which means when the sun goes down he should be willing to call a cab. Yes, we are independent and we can pay our own way but ladies, allow a man to be a man. Men are wired to look for a mate that will accommodate their manhood and allow them to love, lead, protect and provide. If you don’t want that then don’t look for a mate- its best for everyone involved.
If you are thinking of a life partner then he has to be able to cover those four areas. (Love, lead, protect and provide) These are further divided but they are the basics. Women who allow men to function in their role will tell you that they are happy. They know they are loved and they receive the love with open arms. They allow [the men] to lead. Someone has got to have the last word and it can’t always be you. If you are a “power freak”, exercise that need at work, not at home. It’s not welcome there. Protection is not just physical, it’s mental and emotional. A man who loves [you] will take steps to make your ride in life as smooth as possible. He will keep out the bad and those who threaten to cause you injury or pain will be dealt with accordingly, even family. Provision is also more than just financial. Allow a man to do things for you, we can all change a light bulb, call pest control, pay our bills and all that but we don’t have to do everything! Having my husband change all the light bulbs makes him feel needed, fixing broken things allows him to express his manly strength and yet some ladies do it-because they can. Well, all I am saying is no one says you can’t do it yourself. I am just saying let him [exercise] his masculinity.
[Here are a few more tips]: Let him open that car door for you, carry the shopping, pay for a meal, drive you to the airport, hold your hand. Acknowledge the good things he does (not just when you are alone); it just makes him want to do more. Praise him in front of other men; it will do wonders for his ego and he will be more willing to adjust any negative behavior.
Some animals will pee around what they believe is their territory so that intruders will pick up their scent. The same goes for men, if you don’t let him pee and be a man, well he will just have to relieve himself elsewhere….
Till next time. Love and light.

*I created the ladies lounge to encourage great discussions among women across the world. Please read, comment and share. I would love to hear from you! If you would like to be a guest blogger please contact me at [email protected] Enjoy!     Nomalanga, SBW