Posts Tagged ‘Find a man’

Nomalanga: What Black Women Can Learn from Meagan Good

Wednesday, May 30th, 2012

I have been following a lot of news about Meagan Good and her vow to remain celibate until her and her Pastor/Producer husband are married.

To some this may seem the most far-fetched idea that they can think of because celibacy is something that society has dismissed as both outdated and unrealistic. Let’s think about it though-Think about all the negative information that is currently circulating about Black women in America and the rest of the world. Let’s start with the rate of HIV infection as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. Let’s think about the rates of teenage pregnancy and the rate of single parenthood, much of which is the result of unplanned pregnancies and pre-marital intercourse.

I am not one to jump to conclusions that I cannot support with credible sources so I will not do that but I think we need to, at the very least, consider that Meaghan Good may just be somewhat of a hero. She is going against the grain and setting an example. I don’t believe she is saying that she is “pure” and angelic and that the rest of us are “sinners”. That would be off-putting. She is however, saying that it is possible for a young woman to stand her ground and do something different and still be popular, attractive and “modern”.

The lesson that I am drawing from her example is that just because you have engaged in what some would call “sin”, there is still room to take a different course of action and change your outcomes. To some, celibacy may seem like an extreme measure to take but considering the issues that we deal with, maybe we should consider it as a very viable option. Obviously, it is possible to avoid diseases and unplanned pregnancies through taking birth control and using other forms of protection. That, however, does not take the emotional and spiritual ramifications of having multiple partners (whether concurrently or consecutively) into consideration.

My passion is the pursuit of personal development, including but not limited to my own. I instruct, mentor and advise young women, especially young women of color, more than any other population so this is an issue that I tackle very often. I’m not trying to assign judgment to anyone for their choices but I think that we are often too quick to dismiss the idea of celibacy as either “old fashioned” or unrealistic. Let’s begin to look at it as a very viable option. Yes, there are other ways to be responsible and safe, but no one can argue that no other way is as safe as celibacy so let’s not discount it.

Check out Nomalanga’s e-book:
Seven Life Changing Habits; How I Changed My Life from Mediocre to Magnificent & How You Can Too!

Boyce Watkins: Why Black Women Can’t Find a Man

Wednesday, April 25th, 2012

by Dr. Boyce Watkins

I watched an ABC News special the other night featuring Steve Harvey, Jacque Reed, Sherri Shepherd and my homeboys Hill Harper and Jimi Izrael. The show covered a tried and true topic that is sure to get sky high ratings from the black community: The topic was, Why successful black women can’t find a good man. I am not going to risk bringing on the wrath of black women by saying things that some of them may not want to hear, but I have to be honest about what I saw on this show. Let me just cut to the chase and lay the issues out one-by-one:

1) Why are black women taking relationship advice from Steve Harvey? Not to disrespect Steve’s ability to drop knowledge, but isn’t he a comedian? If we are taking relationship advice from a comedian and our relationship turns into a joke, who do we blame in the end? Bottom line – perhaps learning how to love another person means that after you put aside the book by the comedian, you should go out and buy a book by a relationship expert.

2) Most good women have little trouble getting married to decent men: One has to be skeptical of the beautiful, intelligent, fully capable woman who simply says that she can’t find a good man anywhere. Most women I know who are well-balanced and who also appreciate the idea of respecting men in the same way they would like to be respected, have no trouble finding suitable mates. Sorry to break this to you, but the only constant variable in your relationships is a person called YOU.

Rather than pointing the finger at the world, a bit more introspection might be called for: perhaps you have to reconsider your laundry list of expectations or wonder if you’re not doing a good job finding men who are open to commitment. It’s easy to find a man, just not easy to find a man who is willing to be with you and you only; a lot of brothers simply play the field and allow you to buy an emotional lottery ticket, hoping that you’ll be the one he selects in the end. You may be fishing in the wrong ponds in the first place or using the wrong bait to catch the fish you’re bringing home.

3) If you want something bad enough, take a class: There are classes on relationships and marriage out there that don’t cost much money. If you are determined to be the best mate you can possibly be, it might make sense to take a class that explains all the subtleties and challenges of making a relationship work (not just the counseling you get from your pastor). A relationship is not about a mate fulfilling your long and detailed list of needs and expectations. The bottom line is that if you hope to receive more, you must first fully commit yourself togiving more. Some of us are taught that we should expect the world and not offer anything in return: that’s a perfect recipe for getting dumped.

4) Big mistake – always chasing the alpha male: I know a lot of “regular guys” who are unable to find a woman that is interested in being with them. This is especially true in their mid-twenties, when everyone is single and living fancy-free, with little expectation for long-term commitment. Some of the women these ”regular guys” are interested in are not paying them much attention to them, mainly because the woman has become enchanted with the dream-like alpha male in her life: the guy who fits every single portion of the checklist (height, income, education, toe nail length, swag, etc.), but who may not be available for a monogamous, long-term relationship. What many women seem to forget is that there are some men who always have room for another woman on the roster. If you’re wasting all your time with the lying, cheating, super dog, you might miss out on the chance to be with the man who will love you forever and father all of your children. He may not come in the same package, and by comparing the two without considering the differences in what each of them offers, you may be passing up on your opportunity.

5) Relationships should not be a pissing contest: One of the by-products of many black children growing up in single parent homes is that their relationships become highly contentious. I once saw a neck swinging, energized woman say, “I need a man who can handle me!” What I wanted to tell her is that your man should not have to “handle” you as if you are a wild bull with his testicles sewn together. The act of love is a process of being open, feeling and sharing, not trying to dominate one another. So, if you need to be “handled” in your relationships, realize that you are likely going to only attract men who are mean, rough and insensitive enough to handle you effectively. In fact, you’re not searching for a mate, you may be actually looking for a pimp. Fighting and domination is not the same as love – let’s not get it twisted.

6) There’s nothing wrong with a few gender roles: Sherri Shepherd, during an especially volatile segment of the ABC News show, swung her hands around in the air saying, “I don’t have time to validate you every day!” – referring to the fact that she doesn’t feel that it’s her job to make her man feel good about himself on a regular basis. What’s interesting is that most women want their man to make them feel beautiful and to feel like a woman. So, why is it not acceptable for a man to expect his wife to make him feel like a man? A man doesn’t want to marry another guy – or rather, a woman who feels that any and all gender roles are an insult to her feminine independence and also expects the man to be willing to be regularly emasculated. It’s O.K. to make your man feel like he’s THE man, a king and a leader. A good man will surely return the favor and make you feel like a beautiful woman.

7) Let’s be real- many men aren’t as excited about marriage as women: As much as we want to believe that men grow up fantasizing about their wedding day the same way that many women do, the truth is that this is not the case. Many men see marriage as a frightening commitment that will cause them to be vilified for actions they can engage in without consequence when they are single (notice the millions of dollars that Shaquille O’neal and the rapper Nas have paid to get out of their marriages – every man gets petrified when he reads these stories).

A woman who gets her husband is the one who makes the man WANT to be married: she let’s him feel free, strong, needed, loved and supported. While this may seem to be a primitive concept, the reality is that the reverse is true for sex: Men and women both want it, but men know they have to work just a little bit harder to “get some.” They’ve got to buy flowers, take the woman to dinner, and make her feel comfortable. It would be silly for a man to think that a woman should buy him flowers and beg him to have sex with her. The converse is true for marriage – where getting a man to overcome his anxiety is a great way to get him to give you what you want.

I love black women: My mother, daughter and grandmother are black women and there is not a more precious group of women on the planet. But the truth is that this “woe is me, black men ain’t sh*t” attitude has to be replaced with something more constructive. If not, we’ll be having these same forums 20 years from today.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition and the author of the book,“Black American Money.” To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.

What Men Need To Know About the Independent Woman

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

What We Need To Know About the Independent Woman
By Guest Blogger: Walter Cobb

Man fears what he doesn’t understand. Women and children do too, but perhaps more so, men. We now live in an ever evolving time. Women, to the dismay of some, have moved out of their traditional roles in the home and into various roles outside of it. This change in roles has brought about a change in relationships. Women are now asserting their power and dominance in the fields of entertainment, politics, sports and even love and relationships. This scares many of men and have lead some men to cry foul. We like to be in control in the relationship. Well at least think we are.LOL. Women are singing of their independence and sporting the “I don’t need a man to do for me attitude.” I do believe those who run around screaming and singing the mantras don’t fully have a grasp on what it truly means to be independent. But that’s not the purpose of the writing. I am writing to school the men.

Fellas, just because a woman may be independent by her actions does not mean she wants to operate as such. It is just that she is at a point in her life where she is truly capable of providing the trinkets and bobbles for themselves. This does not mean that they do not appreciate a showing of your affection for them with a trinket or two. Regardless of how independent she may say or appear to be a woman feels that she should not have to step our of the car on a cold day to pump gas when you are with her. I know, I know you are saying if she is so independent this would not and should not be an issue. But do not let her independence block the chivalry that they so desire to be shown. Chivalry makes them feel special for even a brief moment. It reminds her that she is the lady and ultimately, that YOU are the man.

Many women now enter relationships owning their own house. This is a great thing. Though she is capable of buying her own house she still WANTS you to be able to come over and deal with that scary mouse she saw scurrying across her kitchen floor. If you are handy with the tools, she still appreciates you getting under that sink to fix that leak. And if you aren’t she still likes for you to get under there and look like you know what you are doing.

A woman who is truly independent and secure in her independence will never stand in the way of a man who understands his role as the man. She DOES NOT WANT to take the lead in deciding on what to do on the date. Even though her bank account says she is able to wine and dine you, she still desires that from a man. An independent woman doesn’t want to have to remind you that she is capable of doing for herself and possibly doing for you if need be. She doesn’t want to HAVE TO TELL YOU that she still needs looking out and protection. She is just independent enough to move on if her desires aren’t met.

So men, I warn you to steer clear of the women who walk around screaming at the top of their lungs that they are independent and can do for themselves. For they are trying to convince themselves of this. But a woman who is secure in her independence has a desire to be with a man. They no longer have the NEED to be with or defined by one.

Mindful Mornings: When things don’t work

Sunday, November 6th, 2011

Anytime YOU get involved in something, before YOU throw your hands up and say that it did or does not work, you have to first consider if YOU worked. This applies to all things from entrepreneurial ventures to relationships and marriages. The only constant in your life is YOU and what YOU believe, think, speak and do. Anyone who has knowledge of this one truth can never blame anyone or anything when things don’t work out the way he or she wanted them to.


MINDFUL MORNINGS:Find your Greatness

Monday, October 31st, 2011

We must all have intimate knowledge of our own power and greatness. It is only in knowing our own power that we can appreciate that of another person or gender. It is through a lack of knowledge of our own power that we become threatened by the power of another person or gender. If you know your own power you’re secure and if you don’t you’re insecure. This applies to both men and women equally.

Have a POWERFUL day!

Black Women, HIV and National HIV Testing Day

Friday, June 24th, 2011

Today, I read that in a few days it will be National HIV Testing Day (June 27th). So I started thinking, about a decade ago, if anyone had suggested to me that celibacy was a viable “way of life” I would have laughed them off and asked them when they intended to return to the 50s! Years later, this is the advice that I genuinely give to most young women who solicit my advice. Does is seem a little “old fashioned”? Maybe. I do think though, considering that every single study that is being released on new cases of HIV infection shows that black women are still disproportionately leading, it is not as ridiculous as it may sound.

Some years ago, while I was still single, a very good male friend of mine, more like a brother really, suggested to me that maybe I should consider celibacy. Even in my Sex in the City watching mindset, I knew that the words he spoke were true and worth taking into consideration. These were the reasons why he suggested it:

1. Every time a woman engages in a sexual relationship with a man who does not think enough of her or himself to make a commitment, he affects her spiritual well-being and usually NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

2. Every time a woman engages in a sexual relationship, she is at a risk of falling pregnant-yes, even if protection is used!

3. Every time a woman engages in a sexual relationship, she is at risk of contracting a sexually contracted disease, including HIV which can lead to AIDS- yes, even if protection is used!

Now, I recognize that this is a rather conservative approach to the whole topic, but I do think that it is worth considering. The only way to make sure that you do not get infected with HIV from a sexual partner is not to have any sexual partners!

For those of us who are in marriages and committed relationships, of course celibacy is not a realistic option. We can however use the day to remind ourselves and those around us that when we practice fidelity, we protect ourselves and our partners from exposure to HIV and other harmful sexually contracted diseases. Let’s make a habit of holding ourselves to a high standard and let’s also hold those around us to the same standard.

This is my plea: If you have never been tested for HIV, please go and get tested; HIV is no longer the death sentence that it used to be. HIV infected people, when being treated with the right medications, can live long and purposeful lives. And for those that have been tested, go get tested again and take your friends and loved ones with you.

As for me, I did end up taking “my brother’s” advice all those years ago and I ended up meeting and marrying a man who was also holding himself to the same standard. Seven years later, I believe that was one of the best decisions I ever made!


Self Esteem; How to change

Wednesday, March 30th, 2011

Most of the time when I write, I write from my personal experiences with the faith that what I share will be informational, encouraging or inspiring. Up until now, I have generally kept my most intimate relationship, my marriage, completely private and I will continue to do so, but today, I am allowing everyone a small peak inside. Yesterday, I had an intimate conversation with my husband and one simple thing he said, reduced me to tears.

“You’re a good person, Noma.”

That was all it took to reduce me to tears. One of the reasons why this one simple truth reduced me to tears is that it had three levels.
1. It is true
2. He genuinely believes it to be true
And the most profound one is
3. I genuinely believe it to be true.

To some, it may seem like such a simple and maybe even uninteresting, random piece of information. Those of us, however, who have been challenged with living with a low self esteem, learning to raise it and finally overcoming it, through change, to emerge as solid, confident and authentic women (or men), will understand the victory in hearing those words and recognizing their three levels; most importantly, the third level.

It is my firm belief that everyone, yes, EVERYONE, is good; or more accurately put, has the seed of goodness within them. What is sad is that sometimes, we don’t know that to be true. We start to believe the lie that we are evil, bad, undeserving etc. Sometimes, it is other people who don’t see the good in us and unfortunately, we buy into the lies that they have bought into.

Here is a small challenge: Think about what you say to yourself about yourself. (Inner dialogue) This usually translates to what you say, out loud, about yourself and how you conduct yourself. Every day, I hear people say things like “I’m such a loser”, “I’m so clumsy”, “ I’m so fat” and on and on and on! None of these statements are “good” but these people are thinking them, speaking them and displaying the behaviors that correlate with the thoughts and statements and that is ultimately the state of their lives.

One of the reasons why I was reduced to tears when I heard the words “You’re a good person, Noma.” was that in that moment, I realized that I had heard those words spoken to me before and had intellectually thought it to be true but there was always some background whisper (in my mind) that always said “That is not true…” and sadly, the whisper would continue with a laundry list of items to back up the lie. Tears streamed down my face as I realized that, in that moment, the whisper was not there. I realize that it may come back, but I now know that my voice, my husband’s voice and the truth are so much more powerful.

The knowledge of my “goodness” translates into my thoughts, speech and conduct. I’m not saying that I am without flaws or that I don’t sometimes make mistakes and even, at times, run into my own ego. What I am saying is that I have raised my level of thought, speech and conduct. In so doing, I have watched as my life has slowly unraveled to conform to this one thought. I now enjoy a healthy relationship with myself. I love myself and respect myself. I treat my husband with love and respect and he mirrors that back to me. It does not stop with just me and my husband; I approach every person I meet with love and respect and more often than not, I get the same love and respect. I meet every day with an expectation that it will be fantastic and it usually is.

All in all, I have a wonderful life!

My final thought is this: If you’re not satisfied with your life or life circumstances, then your starting point is your thoughts. What are you thinking? Whatever you’re thinking is what is ultimately creating what you perceive as an unhappy life. If you can change your thoughts, you can change your life. I did it and so can you!


Find A Man

Friday, February 25th, 2011

Young ladies the world is your oyster… can pick who you want‏! By Ngoza Phiri-Mazarura (guest blogger)

A [couple of weeks] ago I posted my concern about the kind of man that is being raised in our time. With what we see on television and in our own circles one has to wonder. It’s important to note that this post was written by an African woman [Zimbabwean] in her 30s who lives in [South] Africa. I wanted to get people talking and thinking about what makes a man in our environment. We have many absent fathers and fathers who have been taken by AIDS and women are forced to raise men that are functional in our society. The various comments that were posted on my [Facebook] page got me thinking. I realized just how differently we have all been raised and what we have been taught to expect from a man.
I was unfortunate to lose my father very early in life and so my belief systems and values as well as conclusions were shaped by the various interactions I have had with family, friends, peers and the church. My mother was and still [is] a hard working, “no nonsense” woman with an A-type personality, which she passed on to me.
I will share with you what I have been taught and welcome your comments. I learnt early on that in life you must have standards. If you don’t, you will let everything and anything come into your life. Some of those ‘nastys’ are very hard to get rid off and will leave you scarred for life. An example is dating a guy who chooses not to [love and respect] his parents even though they are alive. If he can’t look after his folks he can’t look after you- it is that simple. If he is also unable to forgive, he will tell you all the stories that will make you want o be his new “mommy” but once you subject yourself to that kind of mental torture you will lose yourself in his battles. I always say to ladies who tell me about a guy and his awful past that the question they should ask is ‘ How long are you going to be holding on to this pain and negative energy?’. Should he not be willing to explore forgiveness and move on? I say run for the hills! This is not for you. It is for the professionals and those professionals are called therapists. You are not qualified to help him through those kinds of problems and issue; neither can you love him enough to fix him.
A man must want to provide for his family and if you are dating he must at least offer to pay the cheque. If he doesn’t have a car he must be interested in your safety which means when the sun goes down he should be willing to call a cab. Yes, we are independent and we can pay our own way but ladies, allow a man to be a man. Men are wired to look for a mate that will accommodate their manhood and allow them to love, lead, protect and provide. If you don’t want that then don’t look for a mate- its best for everyone involved.
If you are thinking of a life partner then he has to be able to cover those four areas. (Love, lead, protect and provide) These are further divided but they are the basics. Women who allow men to function in their role will tell you that they are happy. They know they are loved and they receive the love with open arms. They allow [the men] to lead. Someone has got to have the last word and it can’t always be you. If you are a “power freak”, exercise that need at work, not at home. It’s not welcome there. Protection is not just physical, it’s mental and emotional. A man who loves [you] will take steps to make your ride in life as smooth as possible. He will keep out the bad and those who threaten to cause you injury or pain will be dealt with accordingly, even family. Provision is also more than just financial. Allow a man to do things for you, we can all change a light bulb, call pest control, pay our bills and all that but we don’t have to do everything! Having my husband change all the light bulbs makes him feel needed, fixing broken things allows him to express his manly strength and yet some ladies do it-because they can. Well, all I am saying is no one says you can’t do it yourself. I am just saying let him [exercise] his masculinity.
[Here are a few more tips]: Let him open that car door for you, carry the shopping, pay for a meal, drive you to the airport, hold your hand. Acknowledge the good things he does (not just when you are alone); it just makes him want to do more. Praise him in front of other men; it will do wonders for his ego and he will be more willing to adjust any negative behavior.
Some animals will pee around what they believe is their territory so that intruders will pick up their scent. The same goes for men, if you don’t let him pee and be a man, well he will just have to relieve himself elsewhere….
Till next time. Love and light.

*I created the ladies lounge to encourage great discussions among women across the world. Please read, comment and share. I would love to hear from you! If you would like to be a guest blogger please contact me at [email protected] Enjoy!     Nomalanga, SBW