Nomalanga: 3 Basic Marriage Savers

I think it’s no secret that I believe that many marriages that end in divorce do so unnecessarily. I think that there are some very extreme circumstances that some men and women deal with in their marriages that leave them with very few options and unfortunately, divorce ends up being the option of choice. That being said, I still believe that Divorce should ALWAYS be the very, very last resort and in a lot of cases, unfortunately, it is one of the first.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I would like to admit that my own seven year old marriage has had some very rocky periods. I’m talking about some sharp, jagged rocks that could hurt somebody, literally and figuratively! I share this, not just to be humorous, but to emphasize that people don’t stay married because they are “soul mates” or “meant to be” or whatever other fluffy cliché you may have heard. The people who succeed in marriage do so because they don’t look at divorce as an option, but instead, as the destruction of the individuals, family unit and the community that it is.

I would like to share three marriage savers that I know work, not only from my own personal experience, but also from having observed them in other people’s lives and marriages.
1. Close the door to WRONG counsel
“Wrong Counsel” is a topic that I am very vocal about because I have seen its destruction at work. Wrong counsel is anyone that you speak to, or allow to speak to you, about your marriage, that has not earned the right and privilege to. This particular group of people is funny because they tend to be the ones with the most eagerness to give unsolicited advice, even though they typically have had no professional training in the field of Marriage and Family life, have never been married or have failed at their attempt(s) at marriage.

Sometimes the “wrong counsel” individuals have very good intentions and their advice sounds good but bear in mind that if their mindset and advice was right, they would be in a successful marriage themselves or they would have earned the degrees and field experience to run a successful Marriage and Family Counseling practice. I’m not saying that these people should be discounted as not being respectable or lovable human beings; all I’m saying is that you should exercise some wisdom and protect your marriage from their “well meaning”, but often misguided advice.

2. Open the door to RIGHT counsel
Anyone who is married or has been around married people knows that every marriage encounters challenges and tests. The great news is that “there is nothing new under the sun”! If you run in to what seems like an insurmountable obstacle in your marriage, it is very important to seek Right counsel.

The counsel can be an older couple you know that has been married for 5, 10, 20 or 30+ years. Obviously, it can’t be a couple who you have observed being constantly nasty and unkind to each other. If you’re a woman, find an older woman who loves and respects her husband as well as herself. If you feel comfortable that she will be respectful of your privacy and she is open to mentoring you, you have found a good thing. Understand that sometimes you may be certain that you’re completely right and actually be completely wrong and she will be that person that helps you make decisions that will preserve your marriage.

Another form of Right counsel is a spiritual leader who is in your church or religious organization. The key here is that your beliefs and theirs have to be similar or the same. Again, before you open your marriage to their counsel, you must be assured that they will be a good role model (are in a healthy and stable marriage) and that they will protect your privacy as well as your marriage.

Another form of Right counsel is a professionally trained, preferably licensed, marriage counselor. This person is often a good choice because they can give you tools that can be helpful and they can be objective and non-judgmental.

3. Never give up.
This does not need explanation. Either you give up and you get a divorce or you don’t. Exceptions are very few and far between.

I would like to add that you can use all three forms of “marriage savers” and also read books and attend workshops and seminars that will help you be a better wife (or husband). As always, please note that in extreme cases such as abuse, chronic infidelity and dealing with addictions, a different course of action is necessary. Remember, marriage is a commitment and making a commitment means that you’re going to do what you said you would do even at the times that you don’t feel like it. Don’t let yourself, your family and your community down. Save your marriage.

Check out Nomalanga’s e-book:
Seven Life Changing Habits; How I Changed My Life from Mediocre to Magnificent & How You Can Too!

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