Archive for the ‘Wifey Wisdom’ Category

How Iyanla “Fixed” Broken Wife of Cheating Pastor

Sunday, November 18th, 2012

By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses

On Saturday night, I imagine that many people were glued to their television screens to watch the much publicized episode of “Iyanla: Fix My Life” on OWN. For the first time since the show started, I made a deliberate effort to make sure that I tuned in because I could not believe the little bit that I had heard about what the show had in store.

Iyanla traveled to Shreveport, Louisiana to help a woman “fix” her life after her husband, a pastor, confessed to having slept with at least 20 women during the course of their 10 year marriage. The pastor estimated that about 10 of the mistresses were women who were also members of his church. The pastor had also fathered a child with one of his mistresses who was not only a church member, but was also a married woman, when he started an affair with her.

Iyanla supported the pastor’s wife through the process of admitting to herself that she wanted to leave but did not do so for two reasons. The first reason was that she enjoyed the benefits that came with being the First Lady and being held in high esteem because of her title. The second reason was that she was terrified of the unknown path that lay ahead of her if she left her husband, the church and the life that she had been living for nearly 11 years.

To me, it seemed as though Iyanla was encouraging her to tell her truth and then encouraging her to act on what it seemed she was afraid to act on. While it was very subtle, I did also feel as though Iyanla slightly nudged her towards the direction of leaving, even if not permanently. My interpretation of what Iyanla said to her was that it was obvious that she had to leave.

While I have a great deal of love and respect for Iyanla, I am always mindful of the fact that she has been married and divorced three times. That is not said to judge her, but to put some of her advice into perspective. I entirely agreed with her when she gently suggested to the First Lady that she had suffered emotional, psychological and even spiritual abuse at the hands of her preacher husband. Iyanla was right to point out that abuse is not only physical.

As surprising as it seems, I am not entirely convinced that the “right” thing to do was for the pastor’s wife to leave her husband. You don’t have to be a Christian to know that when Christians get married, they make vows to each other and among those vows, there is usually some variation of a vow to stick together through “thick and thin” and through “sickness and health”. The complicating factor here is that the pastor admitted to Iyanla that he had been molested- “penetrated by a man” at an age as young as around four to seven years old. The pastor kept that a secret all his life until he told Iyanla and that is the “sickness” that he has been living with.

It could be argued that the pastor’s adulterous ways were just a manifestation of the violation that he suffered as a little boy. He was s*xually abused and then went on to abuse the woman he loved, emotionally, psychologically and, as Iyanla put it, spiritually. I am not suggesting that the pastor should get a “free pass” and neither was Iyanla but I still maintain that while it may seem obvious to some that the pastor’s wife should leave, it may not be that simple.

Being that they are Christians, I imagine that they vowed to stay together “through sickness and health”. When most people exchange vows, they make all kinds of declarations, but what most of them really mean is “I will stay as long as staying does not get too hard”. I am not saying that the pastor’s wife should stay, nor am I saying that she shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it is not as simple as it may seem and my observation is that too many people want to enjoy the “good” in marriage and will leave when the “bad” shows up; they will enjoy the “health” and won’t stick around for the healing when “sickness” shows up.

In the end, the pastor and his wife separated. The pastor went for counseling (healing). What will happen after he is “healed”, we may never know. In fact, we will never know if he will even be “healed” or if he will be a lying cheater for the rest of his life. In the end, I hope both the pastor and his wife will find peace and I also hope that they do everything that they can to shelter their children from the “sickness” that crept into their marriage.

Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at

Originally Posted at Your Black World

Women Like Dwayne Wade’s Ex-Wife Ruin it for Others

Thursday, June 21st, 2012

I just read about the sequence of events that lead to Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife, Siohvaugn Funches-Wade getting arrested. Now it is being reported she may lose her visitation rights. Funches-Wade allegedly failed to bring her children to the airport so that they could fly back to be with their father, Dwayne Wade, on Father’s day.

Last year it was widely reported that Wade fought tirelessly to win custody of his children and have them live with him. Now, I am not a legal expert, but even I know that it is extremely hard to find a judge who will award custody to a father rather than a mother and even when you do find such judges, they do so sparingly.

The fact that Funches-Wade’s children were taken away from her and custody was awarded to their Father already had one of my eye brows raised and then when I heard about the case against her being accused of child abduction, it started to become very difficult to give her the benefit of the doubt.

As a mother, myself, I am keenly aware of the importance of each of my children’s relationship with their father. To say that it is important is an understatement. Just this past weekend, on Father’s Day, I wrote a blog that stressed the importance of mothers taking a very active role in making sure that their children have relationships with their fathers.

The reason why I think that women like Siohvaugn Funches-Wade ruin it for others is that she seems to be an obstruction to Wade’s relationship with his children rather than than being the person who is supporting the efforts of him building and maintaining a relationship with his children. I know too many men who have the desire to love and have great relationships with their children but, unfortunately, they have chosen to have children with women who would cut off their nose to spite their face. These women usually have some unfinished emotional business with the father of their child and use their child (or children) as a pawn in their malicious revenge games.

Funches-Wade was charged with two counts of attempted child abduction, two counts of unlawful visitation interference and one account of resisting arrest. Sorry, lady, you may have gotten away with ignoring your children’s need to have a relationship with their father but you don’t get to ignore the law and abandon your contractual rights.

The charges leveled against Funches-Wade may seem harsh but maybe that’s what it will take to send a clear message to all women who are no longer actively in a relationship with the father of their children-obstructing a man from loving his children is a very serious and detrimental thing to do. It not only hurts the father of the child, but also the children, in ways that are far beyond what you can imagine.

Too often we hear women talking about how “trifling” the father of their children is and how he never comes around or doesn’t seem to be interested in his children. Well, sometimes we need to consider that sometimes men are not avoiding their children; they may be avoiding the mothers of those children and the “drama” that they bring into every visit.

I am well aware that there are men out there who are “trifling” but the case of Dwayne Wade and his ex-wife shows us that before we call a man a dead-beat, we need to consider that he may be dealing with a dead-beat mother.

Originally Posted at YourBlackBloggers

Let’s Support Fathers, Especially Black Fathers

Sunday, June 17th, 2012

Today is the day that we celebrate fathers all over the world. It seems that we so often focus on how challenging it is for modern day mothers who are still expected to attend to all the needs of their children and yet are now also trying to succeed in their careers. While I have first-hand knowledge of the complexities of being a modern day working mother or just a modern day mother, period, I have an ever increasing level of compassion for the modern day Father, especially the Black father.

It’s no secret that, in the US, the two parent family is increasingly becoming the exception while the single parent home is increasingly becoming the norm. And if you take a look at Black communities all around the country, unfortunately, that becomes even truer. I’ll save my speculation as to why we are facing these circumstances for another day and instead bring the focus back to the Black father.

Most of these single parent homes that are increasingly becoming the norm are typically headed my Black women and the Black father is often subjected to the whims of the said mother. Today, I am appealing to all Black mothers to set aside their own feelings about a man they may not necessarily, love, like or even respect and let him be a father to his child or his children. It’s not enough to just be a willing participant; you have to be your child’s advocate in doing everything that you can to make sure that he or she has a relationship with his or her Father.

I’ve heard all the stories about the dead-beat fathers or the ones who don’t care or the ones who don’t pay their child support etc. The truth still remains that every child deserves to love their father and to be loved by their father, no matter who the father is or what he has or has not done.

One woman once relayed a story to me about how her mother would not allow her father to see her because he had disappointed her so many times by saying he was coming and then not showing up. Her mother then decided to “cut him off” entirely to spare her daughters feelings and the woman never saw her father again. Years later she found out that he had continued to attempt to see her but her mother would not allow it. This birthed a small resentment towards her mother and now she had to deal with resenting both of her parents, her father for not being around and her mother for not letting him. This is a sad story, but unfortunately, it is a common one.

I’ve had the privilege of not only growing up in a home with both of my parents who are still married today, and I am also raising my two children with my best friend and husband who is also their father. I am very grateful for my circumstances and very grateful to my parents who may have had numerous opportunities to go their separate ways but instead, put my well-being and that of my siblings, ahead of their own personal feelings and desires. I am also grateful to my husband who continues to put up with my many “complexities” because he loves his children and wants them to have a safe and secure home. That being said, I never fail to mention that our marriage has not worked because we were “lucky” to have found each other; it is actually quite the opposite. We work at it and we do so, amongst other things, for the benefit of our children.

I share some of my personal story for one reason and that is simply to say that we all have different circumstances and we all make different choices about how we live our lives but let’s make the same choice when it comes to our children and their fathers. Let’s support the fathers of our children in being the best fathers that they can be regardless of their circumstances. Let’s set aside any negative thoughts and feeling and just focus on what is good and what is possible when a man loves his child or his children and they have the opportunity to love him back.

Happy Father’s Day.

Originally Posted at Your Black World

Nomalanga: What Black Women Can Learn from Meagan Good

Wednesday, May 30th, 2012

I have been following a lot of news about Meagan Good and her vow to remain celibate until her and her Pastor/Producer husband are married.

To some this may seem the most far-fetched idea that they can think of because celibacy is something that society has dismissed as both outdated and unrealistic. Let’s think about it though-Think about all the negative information that is currently circulating about Black women in America and the rest of the world. Let’s start with the rate of HIV infection as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. Let’s think about the rates of teenage pregnancy and the rate of single parenthood, much of which is the result of unplanned pregnancies and pre-marital intercourse.

I am not one to jump to conclusions that I cannot support with credible sources so I will not do that but I think we need to, at the very least, consider that Meaghan Good may just be somewhat of a hero. She is going against the grain and setting an example. I don’t believe she is saying that she is “pure” and angelic and that the rest of us are “sinners”. That would be off-putting. She is however, saying that it is possible for a young woman to stand her ground and do something different and still be popular, attractive and “modern”.

The lesson that I am drawing from her example is that just because you have engaged in what some would call “sin”, there is still room to take a different course of action and change your outcomes. To some, celibacy may seem like an extreme measure to take but considering the issues that we deal with, maybe we should consider it as a very viable option. Obviously, it is possible to avoid diseases and unplanned pregnancies through taking birth control and using other forms of protection. That, however, does not take the emotional and spiritual ramifications of having multiple partners (whether concurrently or consecutively) into consideration.

My passion is the pursuit of personal development, including but not limited to my own. I instruct, mentor and advise young women, especially young women of color, more than any other population so this is an issue that I tackle very often. I’m not trying to assign judgment to anyone for their choices but I think that we are often too quick to dismiss the idea of celibacy as either “old fashioned” or unrealistic. Let’s begin to look at it as a very viable option. Yes, there are other ways to be responsible and safe, but no one can argue that no other way is as safe as celibacy so let’s not discount it.

Check out Nomalanga’s e-book:
Seven Life Changing Habits; How I Changed My Life from Mediocre to Magnificent & How You Can Too!

Michelle Obama: A Woman of Substance

Monday, May 28th, 2012

I recently wrote a blog titled “Why He Doesn’t Respect You” which discussed the role that Respect plays in our lives. In this latest blog post, I share why Mrs. Obama is the perfect example of a woman of substance.

No one can deny that a part of President Obama’s success is due to the love and support of his wife, First Lady, Michelle Obama. In spite of numerous attempts at tarnishing the Obamas’ name, Mrs. Obama has managed to remain positive and carry herself with class and dignity.

Below are some reasons why I and the world love First Lady, Michelle Obama:

1. She is smart and intelligent without being arrogant

In 2008, when we first learned a lot about the First couple, one of the things that stood out to me was that Mrs. Obama’s career and income significantly surpassed that of her husband and yet I have never seen her display even a hint of arrogance. You may even notice that although many have tried to squeeze her into the “angry black woman” stereotype, none have ever called her arrogant.

2. She carries herself with style and grace

One of the reasons why Black women love Mrs. Obama is because she is clearly a woman with strong convictions and strong opinions and yet she is able to express herself in such a way that she is heard and respected without sounding angry or aggressive. Let’s not also forget that Mrs. Obama never ceases to amaze us with her impeccable sense of style.

3. She has a fun side

Recently it was heavily reported that Mrs. Obama shared that she has fantasized about experiencing life as a singer, like Beyonce and then soon after that, she was reportedly at a Beyonce concert with her daughters Malia and Sasha. Mrs. Obama has also been known to throw on her sneakers and play sports with youth or stop by Sesame Street to chat about the importance of eating healthy foods.

4. She is devoted to her man

In an unauthorized biography, by Edward Klein, about the Obamas, “The Amateur”, Michelle is said to have come very close to ending her marriage to President Obama. The fact that two decades after they said, “I do”, the Obama’s marriage is still going strong only makes us realize that she is so devoted to her husband that she has continued to love and support him even when she felt she had good reason not to.

5. She adores her children

Every time that Mrs. Obama is interviewed, she never fails to mention that every decision that she and her husband make always takes into consideration the fact that they have two beautiful girls to raise. She often talks about how important it is to her that her daughters maintain as much “normalcy” in their lives as possible. Mrs. Obama also makes sure that when she travels, she uses the opportunities as tools to expose her daughters to different countries, people and cultures.

Original post at Your Black Word
Check out Nomalanga’s e-book:
Seven Life Changing Habits; How I Changed My Life from Mediocre to Magnificent & How You Can Too!

Nomalanga: 3 Basic Marriage Savers

Friday, May 25th, 2012

I think it’s no secret that I believe that many marriages that end in divorce do so unnecessarily. I think that there are some very extreme circumstances that some men and women deal with in their marriages that leave them with very few options and unfortunately, divorce ends up being the option of choice. That being said, I still believe that Divorce should ALWAYS be the very, very last resort and in a lot of cases, unfortunately, it is one of the first.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I would like to admit that my own seven year old marriage has had some very rocky periods. I’m talking about some sharp, jagged rocks that could hurt somebody, literally and figuratively! I share this, not just to be humorous, but to emphasize that people don’t stay married because they are “soul mates” or “meant to be” or whatever other fluffy cliché you may have heard. The people who succeed in marriage do so because they don’t look at divorce as an option, but instead, as the destruction of the individuals, family unit and the community that it is.

I would like to share three marriage savers that I know work, not only from my own personal experience, but also from having observed them in other people’s lives and marriages.
1. Close the door to WRONG counsel
“Wrong Counsel” is a topic that I am very vocal about because I have seen its destruction at work. Wrong counsel is anyone that you speak to, or allow to speak to you, about your marriage, that has not earned the right and privilege to. This particular group of people is funny because they tend to be the ones with the most eagerness to give unsolicited advice, even though they typically have had no professional training in the field of Marriage and Family life, have never been married or have failed at their attempt(s) at marriage.

Sometimes the “wrong counsel” individuals have very good intentions and their advice sounds good but bear in mind that if their mindset and advice was right, they would be in a successful marriage themselves or they would have earned the degrees and field experience to run a successful Marriage and Family Counseling practice. I’m not saying that these people should be discounted as not being respectable or lovable human beings; all I’m saying is that you should exercise some wisdom and protect your marriage from their “well meaning”, but often misguided advice.

2. Open the door to RIGHT counsel
Anyone who is married or has been around married people knows that every marriage encounters challenges and tests. The great news is that “there is nothing new under the sun”! If you run in to what seems like an insurmountable obstacle in your marriage, it is very important to seek Right counsel.

The counsel can be an older couple you know that has been married for 5, 10, 20 or 30+ years. Obviously, it can’t be a couple who you have observed being constantly nasty and unkind to each other. If you’re a woman, find an older woman who loves and respects her husband as well as herself. If you feel comfortable that she will be respectful of your privacy and she is open to mentoring you, you have found a good thing. Understand that sometimes you may be certain that you’re completely right and actually be completely wrong and she will be that person that helps you make decisions that will preserve your marriage.

Another form of Right counsel is a spiritual leader who is in your church or religious organization. The key here is that your beliefs and theirs have to be similar or the same. Again, before you open your marriage to their counsel, you must be assured that they will be a good role model (are in a healthy and stable marriage) and that they will protect your privacy as well as your marriage.

Another form of Right counsel is a professionally trained, preferably licensed, marriage counselor. This person is often a good choice because they can give you tools that can be helpful and they can be objective and non-judgmental.

3. Never give up.
This does not need explanation. Either you give up and you get a divorce or you don’t. Exceptions are very few and far between.

I would like to add that you can use all three forms of “marriage savers” and also read books and attend workshops and seminars that will help you be a better wife (or husband). As always, please note that in extreme cases such as abuse, chronic infidelity and dealing with addictions, a different course of action is necessary. Remember, marriage is a commitment and making a commitment means that you’re going to do what you said you would do even at the times that you don’t feel like it. Don’t let yourself, your family and your community down. Save your marriage.

Check out Nomalanga’s e-book:
Seven Life Changing Habits; How I Changed My Life from Mediocre to Magnificent & How You Can Too!

Nomalanga: So what if First Lady, Michelle Obama, wanted to leave?

Thursday, May 17th, 2012

I recently read an article at the online version of the Daily Mail titled “New book claims Michelle Obama prepared divorce papers to separate from Barack – leaving him so depressed friends feared he’d kill himself”. My impression of the article is that, much like the book it is referring to, it was written to tarnish the names of President Obama and First lady, Michelle Obama.

My comment, on Facebook, in reaction to the article was as follows:

“So what? In the last 7 years, I have packed a suitcase a time or two-what of it? Although they wrote this article to “air the Obamas’ dirty laundry”, this actually makes me and others respect them more. They are normal people who, in spite of everything, have sustained their marriage AND won the Presidency!”

The reason why I responded this way is that I feel that anyone who has been married a significant amount of time or is close to married couples knows that all marriages go through different phases; some easy and some not, hence the common phrase “for better or worse and through thick or think”. This phrase is often included in many vows, on a couple’s wedding day, specifically to reiterate that couples should not view a “rocky” time in marriage as a time to leave.

My own experience, having been married for over seven years, has been that when things get “rocky”, the urge to leave can become overwhelmingly strong but that does not give me or any married person, not even the first lady, a reason to leave. I believe that those difficult parts of the journey are the very parts that will teach you more about yourself, your spouse and will ultimately elevate both of you to a higher level of spiritual enlightenment.

The Obamas have admitted that in the past they did go through a rough patch but that they patched things up and grew closer together. Although the details of the Obama marriage trials, assuming there was some truth in them, were revealed with what I perceive as malicious intent, I and a lot of other people are both encouraged and inspired by the Obamas. They are modeling, among others, one great lesson: Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Many women look at Michelle Obama and wish they could have a wonderful husband and a wonderful marriage like hers. What I am drawing from the Obamas’ experience is that that level of success is not something that happens by accident. The problem with glorifying the Obamas and their relationship has always been that it made them seem “special” but now we see that they are just normal people, much like the rest of us. What sets them apart is their courage, discipline and an attitude of Never giving up on yourself, your spouse or your marriage.

Nomalanga: Three Questions to ask yourself before Divorce

Tuesday, May 15th, 2012

By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses

Less than a year into marriage, I experienced what I now call the “reality” phase. Anyone who has been married for a while knows exactly what I’m talking about. The “Reality” phase of marriage is when you start to come down off of the honeymoon phase of the relationship and start to really see your partner for who they are rather than the fantasy that you were projecting onto them.

Just as I was processing this rather confusing phase, I had a conversation with one of my “sisters” who, at the time, had been married for about eight years. What she shared were three major things that tend to affect marriages either negatively or positively. In other words, if you pay attention to these three “things”, you can sustain a happy marriage but if you neglect these things, trouble is inevitably around the corner.

I am generally an advocate of marriage; partially because I was born and raised within the confines of one. (Side note: My parents have been married for almost 40 years).

That being said, if you have neglected any of the three “things” I feel that it is possible to give each one attention and restore your marriage, rather than head to Divorce court.
Here are the questions you need to ask yourself:
1. Are we Communicating well?
Many times what couples think are major problems, are actually small problems buried in a series of miscommunications or no communication at all. Unless you have developed the skill of effective communication and are able to resolve conflicts and problems through effective communication, you have not earned your way out of the marriage. Rather than head to divorce court, explore ways to build your communication skills.

2. Are our finances in order?
My husband and I love to joke that we need to make sure that we get our finances in order because “broke people fight”. Now, I’m not sure where the saying “broke people fight” comes from but like most jokes, it has an element of truth in it. When finances are in order, there is a level of security that can quickly disappear if they are mismanaged. If you get to a point where your finances are a mess, rather than head to divorce court, put your heads together and explore strategies to restore the financial well-being of your family.

3. When was the last time we were “intimate”?
“Intimacy” is a topic that many of us shy away from because it is uncomfortable for some people to discuss. That being said, if you are not being “intimate” with your spouse, you’re trying to glue two pieces of paper together and omitting the glue. Before you head off to Divorce court, get creative about “rocking his world” (or hers). One thing that I would add to this is that many women ask, “what if I just don’t feel like it?” Well, I’ll tell you like I heard it jokingly said, “Sometimes you just have to take one for the team”.

As I approach our 8th anniversary in marriage and reflect back on my own marriage and those of the people around me, I can honestly say that what my ‘sister” told me all those years ago was marriage saving advice. That being said, none of the three “things” apply if you’re dealing with a partner who is abusive, is dealing with an addiction or is chronically unfaithful. Even these serious issues are not cause to end your marriage but they are certainly issues that need addressing though professional or spiritual intervention.

At the end of the day, a problem in marriage is no longer just your problem; it is the possibility of your children growing up without Both their parents or the shattering of a community that was partially bound by your marriage or another case of giving up on your own personal development journey which your marriage was facilitating. Make a decision, today, whether you are already married or not yet married, to ask yourself these questions so that you can stay married. Don’t let yourself down. Don’t let your spouse down. Don’t let your children down. Don’t let your family and your community down. Stay married.

Nomalanga:What we can learn from Martin Lawrence’s Divorce

Wednesday, April 25th, 2012

It is being widely reported that after less than three years of marriage and 13 years “together” , Martin Lawrence and his wife, Shamicka Gibbs are getting divorced. Apparently, the couple had been together for 13 years and had two daughters together before they decided to tie the knot in 2010 and now it’s all over!

This is a very interesting trend that I have noticed does not only plague Hollywood couples. We see it all the time; two people who date for a very long time and are seemingly happy together decide to get married and end up getting divorced soon after-the relationship that they had before they got married lasted longer than the marriage.

I was just having a Facebook discussion in which I suggested that the lesson that can be learned from a lot of these unfortunate “train wrecks’ that they call marriages is that when people get married, especially after dating for a long time, it is important not to suddenly come up with a new set of expectations.

The way I put is was this: When people get married they change their expectations but the truth is you can’t live with a “dog” for years and then hope that after the wedding it will stop barking and start purring like a cat. It is a dog and it will continue to bark. If you wanted a cat, you should have married a cat.

Now, just to be clear, I’m NOT saying men are dogs-okay? What I am saying is that when you date a person, the time that you spend getting to know them, should also be time spent setting up realistic expectations for a long term relationship. Obviously, there will be small, maybe even major changes after you get married. A great example is that you will start to live together, assuming that you were not already. These kinds of changes in expectations are normal and reasonable. You cannot, however expect that a person will morph into a different and maybe more “responsible” life partner just because you both said “I do”.

Maya Angelou has been known to say, “When people show you who they are, believe them”. So, when you date a person, this is the time that they will show you who they are and that is the behavior upon which you should set your expectations. If their behavior while you are dating is unacceptable, marriage will only compound the degree to which you find their behavior unacceptable.

Again, the lesson is simple; if you want to marry your “honey”, understand that the way your honey is when you’re dating is basically the way that honey will be when you’re married.  If you marry him (or her), don’t ask him (or her) to change and certainly, don’t expect them to.

It would not surprise me to find out that this is precisely what went wrong with Martin and Shamicka. I reckon that Shamicka married Martin and thought that when they got married, he would change and she was disappointed to find out that he didn’t and probably wasn’t going to. And now…Divorce.

If you want a “good” man…be a “good” woman, first!

Wednesday, April 18th, 2012

I just read the article below and immediately wanted to go and hug the writer, Dr. Corey Guyton. This man has managed to pin point one of the major reasons why black people’s relationships and marriages fail so often:Women stopped understanding their value and the men followed right along and stopped appreciating the women’s value. When things don’t work out, women tend to blame the men; black men. What we might want to start doing is looking at ourselves and let that be our starting point. I’m not saying that women are Always to blame and men are Never to blame. What I am saying is that “change comes from within”. Start within and I bet what you see “without” will also begin to change.

From a Brother to the Sisters: Why You Should Demand to Be Properly Courted!
By Dr. Corey Guyton
The bible states that “whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing”. In today’s society, it seems that this bible verse has been reversed to “whoso findeth a husband findeth a good thing”. This reversal of roles is the result of women believing that there are not many good men left, causing them to take the role of the pursuer and not the pursued. The truth is that when women begin aggressively pursuing men, it puts them at a disadvantage. If a woman chases a man, he has the ability to control the situation because her pursuit of him lets him know that she likes him, which gives him the opportunity to make her work for him. In these situations men do not have to take the time to get to know a woman internally because there would be no incentive to do so. At this point, men can push the envelope and try to be physical with a woman because if it does not work out, he will not have lost anything because he was not pursuing her in the first place.

Beautiful queens, you are royalty. You deserved to be chased and you deserve to be wine and dined. In my opinion, going “dutch” or you paying for a date is unacceptable. While you are being pursued, a guy should pay for everything and there are multiple reasons why.

1. If a guy pays for your dates, it shows that he sees enough value in you to invest in you financially.

2. If a guy takes the lead and pays for you, it shows that he has the potential to be a provider when he has a family. This does not mean that women cannot provide, but it suggest that he would be willing to do whatever it took to support his family.

3. If a guy pays for your dates without trying to get anything from you (sex, money, etc), it shows that he is pursuing you for you and not for what you can do for him.

A real man (good man) will always take the lead on paying for you while pursuing you. When I first met my beautiful queen, I would not let her pay for anything. I wanted her to see that I valued her and that I was willing to do whatever it took to prove that I was fully invested in her and really wanted to be with her. My goal was to make her feel like a queen and allow her to feel wanted. By no means am I telling you to milk a guy for his money, but allow him to treat you as the queen you are.

From my experience, I have noticed that women love to feel wanted and appreciated. If this is true for you, why settle for a guy you have to chase? You deserve to be courted, chased, pursued, wanted, appreciated, and feel special. Do not settle for less beautiful queens, because real men understand that their role is to pursue you. If you want the key to a guy’s heart, please make sure that he pursues and works for you.

About the Writers
Dr. Corey Guyton is a dynamic speaker, blogger, author, and husband who is on a mission to bring back the essence of healthy relationships. Alongside his wife, Dr. Chutney Guyton, their movement has gained momentum and they have been sought out by many colleges, conferences, churches, and organizations for their powerful keynotes, workshops, books, and personal consulting. For more information, visit