Posts Tagged ‘self respect’

Nomalanga: Why he doesn’t respect you

Tuesday, May 22nd, 2012

A lot of times when we hear people describing the differences between men and women, we hear “men need to be respected” and “women need security”. While I can’t argue with the descriptions, I think what tends to happen is that we talk about men needing to be respected so much that we forget that women need t be respected as well and they also need to respect themselves.

In the area of respect, women fall into three basic categories:
1. She is respected and commands respect
A woman who is respected is a woman who has a healthy level of confidence and self respect. This woman earns respect and therefore commands it. She is a woman of substance and she demonstrates this through her words and deeds.

2. She is not respected but demands respect
This is a woman who secretly loathes herself and does not respect herself. This woman hopes that no one will figure out her dirty little secret and she usually complains about not being respected and constantly has to demand respect.

3. She is not respected and she does not expect to be
This woman is a woman who has such a low level of confidence and self esteem that she has no expectation that anyone will respect her. She allows people to talk to her and treat her badly and sadly, she believes that she deserves that bad treatment.

Of course there are instances when a self respecting and respectable woman will be disrespected by a person who has no regard for the appropriate way to treat another human being. Also, as women, we deal with issues such as sexism, where no matter how respectable you are, some man is going to think that his male “parts” somehow qualify him for some superior status in life. Another common issue is racism, where some non-black or non-minority person will not respect a woman of color because he or she believes that the color or tone of their skin entitles them to some “special” status that no black or minority person can ever attain.

With all the exceptions aside, any woman who complains that her man or anyone does not respect her has to do a self analysis and see which of the three types of women she is. In the two cases of the women who do not respect themselves, usually because of their low level of self esteem and lack of confidence, there is a simple answer: Invest in your personal development and become a woman of substance.

In the next post of the Personal Development Series, I will share tips on how to become a woman of substance.

Mindful Mornings: Self Esteem

Monday, February 27th, 2012

If the price of being “liked” or, so called, loved is compromising your values and sense of self-respect, then it is better NOT to be liked.

Your opinion of yourself is way more important than the opinion(s) that other people have of you. If you understand this, you’re SOLID.

Mindful Mornings: Other People’s Opinions

Wednesday, February 8th, 2012

I’ve learned that as you become more and more of a “public figure”, you must be skilled in focusing and also eliminating distractions. You must be able to define yourself for yourself. If you do not do these two things, you’ll be pulled in so many directions that you won’t even know who you are anymore.

People will always have opinions and most of them are irrelevant but the most important opinion is the one that you have of yourself. What is your truth? And are you living it?

Why you should love a “hoe”, b*tch or “chicken head”

Monday, February 6th, 2012

When a woman has been raised in a home and, maybe, also a society that has minimized her, marginalized her and also disrespected and disregarded her, she may not realize that it has been repeatedly suggested to her that she is somehow inferior and the expectations that have been set for her life fall far below the potential that exists in her. She may not realize that she has bought into a lie.

You may know these women. They buy into the lie for different reasons. Among those reasons are religious beliefs that have been taken out of context or completely distorted. Some buy into the lie because their limited environment has only shown them one “reality” and in that reality all they see is evidence of their lack of power and their lack of significance. Some others have been brutally beaten (verbally, mentally and/or physically) and they have endured that treatment for so long that it is next to impossible to imagine that they could be valued, loved and respected. For some, what they have endured is more subtle and less recognizable; they are just overlooked or talked over, talked down to or ignored.

What these women do not see is the truth of WHO they are and who they were Created to be. You might ask: Who are they?

They are children of GOD.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

The next time you see one of these women, don’t laugh at her ignorance or “backward thinking” or call her a “hoe”, b*tch or chicken-head. Instead, look beyond WHAT she has become and instead see her for WHO she is. If you see her for WHO she is, how can you not love her?

Mindful Mornings: What are YOU modeling?

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

People follow your lead. If you respect yourself, they respect you. If you place a high value on your time, they will value it too. It works in reverse as well.

As with anything, there are exceptions but before you complain about how you were treated, always ask yourself one question: What was I modeling?

A lesson in Courage from a five year old.

Sunday, November 13th, 2011

This morning I went to pick my five year old daughter up from her swimming lesson and as soon as I got to the pool, I noticed she had been crying. Her swimming instructor assured me that she was okay and let me know that she had gotten some water in her nose while she was swimming.

As we walked towards the changing rooms, I asked my daughter what had happened and she basically told me the same thing; that she had gotten water in her nose. I then asked her if she wanted to continue with the swimming lessons and she nodded her head, meaning “yes”.

As we got into the car and drove home, I started thinking that my daughter had just showed a great act of courage. I imagine that at the time when water was rushing into her mouth and nose, she was feeling a lot of fear and panic and yet, not long after that traumatic experience, she was still willing to continue with her swimming lessons.

How many of us, as adults, experience something unpleasant, (not even traumatic), and from then on decide never to try it again? The answer, of course, is that most of us, at some point in our lives, have quit because something was just too hard, uncomfortable or too scary.

When you set out to do something to improve your life, don’t let a little (or a lot of) fear get in your way. Sometimes it’s not fear; it could be discomfort or it could be that whatever it is feels too hard or it could be that some people are laughing at it or discouraging it. Take a lesson from my five year old daughter and just keep at it!

One day, you’ll look at your life and it will be so much better! Positive change takes time, but it begins with overcoming one little (or big) thing at a time.

Peace

Mindful Mornings:Tolerance and compassion

Monday, September 26th, 2011

If you want to cultivate tolerance and compassion for others, then understand this: Every person that is alive today has a purpose for being on this earth. You may not see it or understand it and even they may not see it or understand it BUT yet it exists. As long as that person lives and breathes, they have a purpose and it will be fulfilled.

The View’s Sherri Shepherd and Whoopi Goldberg respond to Psychology Today’s apology

Thursday, June 2nd, 2011

Yesterday, Whoopi Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd of the popular daytime show, The View, responded to Psychology Today’s apology for publishing an article that reported that black women were the most unattractive women of any race. Satoshi Kanazawa, a self proclaimed ‘evolutionary psychologist’, posted the study entitled ‘Why Are Black Women Rated Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women, But Black Men Are Rated Better Looking Than Other Men?’.

Whoopi Goldberg pointed out that “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”, while Sherri Shepherd, among other things, mentioned that she felt it was detrimental to young black women who may take the study as the truth about who they are. Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s main question was “why publish the study in the first place?”

I am of the opinion that this is yet another attack on the image of black women. It is up to us to consistently push back every single time that there is an attack of this kind. Just because these kinds of attacks have been going on for centuries, does not mean that we should allow them to continue. In fact, the very reason that we need to put an end to it is because it has been going on much too long.

Watch the clip of the women of The View at BlackVoices.com.

Black Woman Redefined

Wednesday, June 1st, 2011

For over a year now, I have been writing and blogging about issues that affect women’s lives and more specifically Black Women’s lives. One of the reasons why I took an interest in black women’s issues was that being a black woman, I realized that the way that we were portrayed in the media and the way that we were perceived even in our own communities was not congruent with what I believed was true about who we really are.

My desire is to contribute to positively shifting the image of black women which, unfortunately, has been grossly misunderstood, misinterpreted and attacked. I am pleased to recommend a new book by Sophia Nelson titled “Black Women Redefined”, which I believe carries a powerful message for and about Black Women.

See the trailer here

Racism within a race; dark vs. light skinned girls

Friday, May 27th, 2011

I just watched a sad but insightful video  about “dark skinned girls” and was amazed by how much the women who were part of the documentary were so negatively affected by their skin tone.

What stands out to me the most is that every single one of those women was in pain because she felt like her skin tone defined her as ugly. Their pain is a result of what society has collectively agreed defines beauty and that, in many black communities, means being light skinned which then as a default means that being dark skinned translates to being ugly.

I remember some years ago, one of my aunts jokingly remarked that I was not all that beautiful but appeared so because I was lighter skinned. I remember, in my childish ignorance, thinking how “lucky” I was that I was not as dark as she was. Years later, I find it almost laughable that we even had that conversation but the sad truth is that for a lot of people, in black communities, those kinds of conversation are not a thing of the past. How dark or light a black woman is is still a very relevant topic.

In recent years, I find that so much emphasis is being placed on recognizing “chocolate sisters” as beautiful which is great but it seems as though in an effort to appreciate the “chocolate” we are now suggesting that “caramel” is not as beautiful or “exotic”.

Here is the bottom line: How “chocolate” or “caramel” a woman is only as important as we collectively agree that it is. It is up to us to cultivate a  culture where we are able to look past surfaces  such as skin tone or color.

How long are we going to allow our minds to be raped by false beliefs? I say NO MORE!!!

Take a look at the video here: Dark Girls