Find A Man

Young ladies the world is your oyster… can pick who you want‏! By Ngoza Phiri-Mazarura (guest blogger)

A [couple of weeks] ago I posted my concern about the kind of man that is being raised in our time. With what we see on television and in our own circles one has to wonder. It’s important to note that this post was written by an African woman [Zimbabwean] in her 30s who lives in [South] Africa. I wanted to get people talking and thinking about what makes a man in our environment. We have many absent fathers and fathers who have been taken by AIDS and women are forced to raise men that are functional in our society. The various comments that were posted on my [Facebook] page got me thinking. I realized just how differently we have all been raised and what we have been taught to expect from a man.
I was unfortunate to lose my father very early in life and so my belief systems and values as well as conclusions were shaped by the various interactions I have had with family, friends, peers and the church. My mother was and still [is] a hard working, “no nonsense” woman with an A-type personality, which she passed on to me.
I will share with you what I have been taught and welcome your comments. I learnt early on that in life you must have standards. If you don’t, you will let everything and anything come into your life. Some of those ‘nastys’ are very hard to get rid off and will leave you scarred for life. An example is dating a guy who chooses not to [love and respect] his parents even though they are alive. If he can’t look after his folks he can’t look after you- it is that simple. If he is also unable to forgive, he will tell you all the stories that will make you want o be his new “mommy” but once you subject yourself to that kind of mental torture you will lose yourself in his battles. I always say to ladies who tell me about a guy and his awful past that the question they should ask is ‘ How long are you going to be holding on to this pain and negative energy?’. Should he not be willing to explore forgiveness and move on? I say run for the hills! This is not for you. It is for the professionals and those professionals are called therapists. You are not qualified to help him through those kinds of problems and issue; neither can you love him enough to fix him.
A man must want to provide for his family and if you are dating he must at least offer to pay the cheque. If he doesn’t have a car he must be interested in your safety which means when the sun goes down he should be willing to call a cab. Yes, we are independent and we can pay our own way but ladies, allow a man to be a man. Men are wired to look for a mate that will accommodate their manhood and allow them to love, lead, protect and provide. If you don’t want that then don’t look for a mate- its best for everyone involved.
If you are thinking of a life partner then he has to be able to cover those four areas. (Love, lead, protect and provide) These are further divided but they are the basics. Women who allow men to function in their role will tell you that they are happy. They know they are loved and they receive the love with open arms. They allow [the men] to lead. Someone has got to have the last word and it can’t always be you. If you are a “power freak”, exercise that need at work, not at home. It’s not welcome there. Protection is not just physical, it’s mental and emotional. A man who loves [you] will take steps to make your ride in life as smooth as possible. He will keep out the bad and those who threaten to cause you injury or pain will be dealt with accordingly, even family. Provision is also more than just financial. Allow a man to do things for you, we can all change a light bulb, call pest control, pay our bills and all that but we don’t have to do everything! Having my husband change all the light bulbs makes him feel needed, fixing broken things allows him to express his manly strength and yet some ladies do it-because they can. Well, all I am saying is no one says you can’t do it yourself. I am just saying let him [exercise] his masculinity.
[Here are a few more tips]: Let him open that car door for you, carry the shopping, pay for a meal, drive you to the airport, hold your hand. Acknowledge the good things he does (not just when you are alone); it just makes him want to do more. Praise him in front of other men; it will do wonders for his ego and he will be more willing to adjust any negative behavior.
Some animals will pee around what they believe is their territory so that intruders will pick up their scent. The same goes for men, if you don’t let him pee and be a man, well he will just have to relieve himself elsewhere….
Till next time. Love and light.

*I created the ladies lounge to encourage great discussions among women across the world. Please read, comment and share. I would love to hear from you! If you would like to be a guest blogger please contact me at [email protected] Enjoy!     Nomalanga, SBW

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12 Responses to “Find A Man”

  1. sharon mutuma says:

    Very helpful am impressed.

  2. Nyarie says:

    Very very insightful left me looking into my own life /marriage from a different perspective…
    Thanks i enjoyed reading this very helpful,although now i’m left asking all kinds of questions but in a good way!!!! :):):):)

  3. …great blog, well appreciated.made me introspect and place my position.very insightful as well,thanx! 😉

  4. Nicole T LaGuerre says:

    Someone pointed me to this because they said I HAD to read it. This has to be the most ridiculous thing I ever read in my entire life. Its a sign of an extremely weak man and woman if you think these are the things you need to do to hold on to a man. If a male needs you to make him feel like whatever a man should feel like then he is a weak, pathetic man. It is quite insulting your passage and a multitude of steps behind for the progression of women.
    I do have to consider your culture and perhaps this is what is innate to Africans- that’s great for you.

    Just in case you are wondering I’ve been with my husband for over two decades and whoever see’s the lightbulb first changes it.

    I should thank you though-I got a HUGE laugh out of this and even shared with many of my friends. As it turns out no publicity is bad publicity. My favorite part is where you told us to have our spouses pee on us- good stuff 😉

    • Via Facebook: Sharon Mutuma :Okay if i shud say maybe u got it all wrong, men wont pee on u lol, they just want to be the man and u be the lady. Ladies dont change light bulbs even if they can, u let yo man do so he feels important. Its a mind game anything he does for u makes him feel like a man. Its his ego….

  5. Ngoza-Phiri-Mazarura says:

    She [Nicole T LaGuerre] misses the point completely and to have to refer to the point of origin of the writer is not just sad but silly. I will not even dignify the statement made with a response. The fact is that there are roles for people to play in any relationship and the point was that whilst women have made strides and liberated themselves financially there is a struggle emotionally to reconcile our professional achievements and relationships. If you take the literal meaning to every word written then of course it sounds ridiculous. No one is actually peeing on anyone. Surely you can see the meaning behind the words. Men are territorial creatures, fact! Masculinity and femininity are features of our evolutionary being, you can not change that. A female brain and a male brain are different in appearance and function these are facts. Testosterone and oestrogen make us different, fact! Based on physical facts we have emotional differences. That is the point that I am trying to make.
    Prior to marriage there is courtship, and that is what I am talking about. Can this lady honestly say that during courtship she did not expect her partner to think about her safety and physical well being? Is she saying she has paid for all her meals on a date? I really doubt that and she was never concerned whether her partner was a compassionate man? I have to say I do not believe that. Look at the animal kingdom there are countless examples of how the female looks for protection and strength in her spouse. In laymen’s’ terms its called survival of the fittest, it suffices to say if the species does not survive it ceases to exist and so the genetic pool is adjusted accordingly. Need I say more?!!

    • Nicole says:

      Just now seeing this. Meals were paid based on who planned the date. Did not expect partner to cover my safety and physical well- being. To say male and females brains are different shows you have never done research- not all men are the same nor women…
      I’ve been with my PARTNER ( husband) for over 20 years. Its a mutual respect relationship. I don’t need to make him feel like a man…He is a man. I’m quite embarrassed by your retort. smh

  6. nano says:

    Fantastic job here. I really enjoyed what you had to say. Keep heading because you surely bring a new voice to this subject. Not many people would say what you’ve said and still make it interesting. Well, at least Im interested. Cant wait to see more of this from you.

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  8. Tamatha Licavoli says:

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  9. Gaby says:

    Interesting read Ngo. In my search for a partner the most important quality I looked for was the ability to be able to define our relationship as individuals, and not use the stereotypical role of “husband” and “wife”. My husband and I are “PARTNERS”. There is no name tied to doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, changing light bulbs, taking the car for an oil change and playing soccer with the kids.

    In our house he does laundry most of the time, coz I hate it. I cook
    most of the time coz I am better at it, and its not so much of a chore for me.

    Its just really difficult to tell a woman who is a leader at work to come home and become something else. We treat each other respectfully (most of the time!!!) lol.

    The thing that I worry about is what we as women teach our daughters when we fill their minds with all these notions about men when in real life the type of man that does all that “macho” stuff doesn’t really exist.

    its hard to tell your daughter that she can become a CEO of the largest company in the world, then in the same breath tell her that she can’t shoot down a crazy idea that has been brought up by her husband because he needs to “lead” so he feels male. I don’t know about this idea.

    We are in a new world. women and men have equal opportunities and they are competing on the same platform. antiquated ideas no longer work. Marriage/ relationships are now PARTNERSHIPS. Smart couples understand their strengths and weaknesses as a team and organize around them.

    If i the female am better at fixing things around the house, and no good at cooking then its obvious who should be doing what. What happens if the woman makes more money in your scenario?

    I have been in a relationship with my husband for 6 years. If you asked me what I thought was the most important thing to keep us going – I’d tell you that its “good sex”.

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